Red vs Blue Spending time at sidewinder
by tehwicked
Summary: A series with elements of red vs blue. Lotsa laughs!
1. Chapter 1

Red vs Blue

Red vs Blue

Spending time at Sidewinder

Episode 1: What are we doing here?

(on top of the blue base) Manny: God I'm fucking freezing. Why don't they send us parkas or something? Instead I'm stuck here in this stupid MJOLNIR armor. No extra layers, no central heating. Instead I'm just freezing my ass off 24/7.

Bullor: Are you mental? This stuff is sate of the art! We can jump like 20 feet in the air! Dodge bullets! And you're bitchin about the cold?! We're like superhuman!

Manny: You're freezing too aren't you.

Bullor: Wha….. Yeah you're right. At least we're not stuck at blood gulch.

Manny: Yeah. You can fry an egg on on of these things if you're outside for more than a hour.

(scene switches to behind the red base on the cliff)

Jerry: (put the sniper rifle up to his eye) Alright I can see them.

George: Wait a second? What are we doing here spying on these guys? Why don't we jusst shoot them if we can see them? It's a fucking sniper rifle! Not your daddy's precious binoculars!

Jerry: I lost the bullets….

George: What?

Jerry: I lost the Goddamn bullets all right! Are you happy?

George: I don't even know why I come on these scouting missions with you. I would be a lot better off just sittin back at red base, sippin my tea under a blanket. If my tea is frozen when we get back your head will be my teacup.

Jerry: (looks away from the sniper rifle) Bitch.

George: What?!

Jerry: (Quickly looks back) Nothing.

George: No I think that you said something.

Jerry: No I didn't.

George: I'm pretty sure I heard you say something.

Jerry: It was the wind. Wind does some pretty weird stuff in caves (mimes wind blowing with his voice while saying "asshole") Wow listen to that! It's amazing what Mother Nature's works can do!

(bullets ping off the wall beside them.)

Jerry/George: Son of a Bitch!

Manny: (holding an battle rifle) Yeah suck it red!

Bullor: (holding a sniper rifle) You retard! I had the maroon one all lined up!

Manny: Heh heh you said maroon. It sounds like moron.

(Manny and Bullor start giggling)

(Jerry and George run back to their base through the caves screaming like little girls.)

(fade to black) Manny: Seriously though, do you think I could get a trade?

(We hear the sound of Bullor hitting Manny)

Manny: Ow! What the fuck was that for!

Bullor: Shut up asshole. You already screwed up the whole plan. Don't ruin my stay on planet cold ass.

Manny: But….

Bullor: (cutting off Manny) Sigh… too late.


	2. episode 2

Episode 2: Why me

Episode 2: Why me? Poor me!

(at the red base)

George: Jerry! Get your ass over here and look at this! What the hell are you doing in there anyway?

(Jerry walks out)

Jerry: It froze George….. it froze and I had to break it off! I am never going to the can in this place again. Goddamn it's cold here. Rest in peace frozen happy stick!

George: Yeah whatever. I've got more important things to do than listen to your life experiences. For God's sake we have a crisis here!

Jerry: You don't mean…?

George: Yes Jerry. The general is coming today. And he's bringing a new recruit with him.

(the scene switches to the blue base)

Manny: Bullor check this out!

(Bullor comes up) Bullor: For God sake Manny, I'm not looking at your frozen spit sculpture again! It's just fucking wrong man!

Manny: It's not that. Although I have been thinking up some new designs for my next piece of art. It's called "Bullor sucks my cock!" I put hard work into that!

Bullor: Okay that was just mean man.

Manny: Yeah… I'm sorry man that was unnecessary.

Bullor: So what did you want jackass?

Manny: Yeah a) fuck you, and b)the general is coming by today with a new recruit.

Bullor: Aw man not another rookie?

Manny: Yeah and no doubt that since he is in standard issue blue he'll be mistaken for the general for god sake.

Bullor: Yeah what a stupid plotline that would be I mean come on!

Manny: Heh heh yeah… Wait a second! What is all this stuff about plotlines and shit? Should I know something?

Bullor: No I just think it would be good to keep these thing within our perspective.

Manny: Now perspectives? What the hell are you talking about man?

Bullor: (nervously) I have to go to the bathroom now. I'll be right back.

Manny: (calling after him) Wait! I need to be enlightened!

Bullor: Meditate!

General: Hello maggots!

Abbal: Oh oh are these the maggots you were talking about on the way over here?

General: Yes Abbal these are the maggots I was talking about! Bunch of disgrace to this fine army of ours!

Manny: Nice to see you too sir…

(Abbal walks up on the base)

Abbal: Oh boy! Now I am taller! I have always wanted to be taller!

(Manny hits Abbal and he falls off the base)

Abbal: Now I am shorter. But I see pretty stars!

Manny: I think we just lost the war. Why me?

(switch over to red base)

George: Oh poor me!

Elaine: Hi guys lets kill those stupid blue assholes!!

Jerry: Just what we need. An annoying girl on our team. I think we just lost the war.

General: Hey. Shut up.

(fade to black)

Elaine: Hey where's my brother?

Abbal: Hey where's my sister?

General/General: Oh shit.

P.S in red vs blue donut is mistaken for sarge because he has the same colour armor. But you already knew that didn't you. Yes you did. Because you are not a douchebag.


	3. episode 3

Episode 3: Oops

Episode 3: Oops

(at red base)

Jerry: So lets get this straight. You assigned a girl to our team. Against her brother?!

General: They were supposed to both come to our base!

George: Of course they were sir. No competent General would have made that mistake. You on the other hand…

Jerry: Hey! Don't insult the General! That's my job.

Elaine: Wait a second. So you're telling me that this cockbite screwed up the orders so that my brother went to the blues? Man what a moron.

George: I think you'll fit in just fine here.

(at blue base)

Manny: Cool. Totally fucking cool. I think that we have a bargaining chip guys.

(Everyone turns to Abbal)

Abbal: Everyone is looking at me. I am the centre of attention. I am special.

(Manny hits him)

Abbal: Oh look. The pretty stars are back. Yea!

Bullor: Why did you hit him?

Manny: I dunno. It felt good.

Bullor: Oh! Let me try!

(Bullor hits Abbal)

Bullor: Wow that did feel good.

Manny: I know.

General: Stop hitting the recruit!

Manny: But sir…

General: Shut up ballsack!

Bullor: Yes sir.

Abbal: My sister is over at the red base?

Manny: Yes Abbal. Your sister is at the red base.

Abbal: Then lets go get her!

General: You can't do that maggot! You're our communications expendable!

Abbal: Huh?

Manny: He means our trading card.

Abbal: Oh. That does not sound good.

Bullor: Of course it doesn't sound good. We haven't had much luck with trading cards in the past. Remember Liz?

Manny: Oh yeah. Man poor Liz.

General/Bullor/Manny: Sigh…

Bullor: Hey…. Where'd the rookie go?

(Abbal is running at red base)

Abbal: Charge!! I'll save you Elaine!!

(fade to black)

Manny: Oh crap there he is.

(Abbal still screaming in the background)

Bullor: Is it really worth it to go save him?

General: I paid 9.95 for him! Unless one of you maggots has that on you…

Manny: (cutting him off) Ok ok we're going we're going. God I hate this fucking war.


	4. episode 4

Red vs blue episode 4

Red vs blue episode 4

Abbal is running at the red base full throttle he stops for a second to catch his breath and then resumes running

Abbal

Huf Puff... Charge!! I will still save you!!

Bullor

Holy crap! Look at that moronic douchebag run!

manny

It must be nature's way of compensating.

To red base

JERRY

Wow! That guy's coming at us pretty fast!

Elaine

Its my brother!

JERRY

Your brother's the general! Holy crap. You have friends in high places! What are you doing in a crap hole like this?

GEORGE

Jerry. Shut the hell up man! He's not their Goddamn General! Elaine. Didn't you say something about how your brother is a complete klutz and that through a series of random events he might end up stealing our flag because he is so stupid?

ELAINE

No. Why?

JERRY

Totally wiped out loser. Ha ha ha ha ha. You made yourself look like a moron! The Maroon moron heh heh heh.

GEORGE

Fuck you faggot. Now help me shoot this guy.

Jerry and George shoot at Abbal but keep missing much to their annoyance

JERRY

What the hell man! I keep missing! I'm calling in an air strike.

Scene switches to vic

Vic

Yello Yello dude. How are things swinging down at old red base? Uh.. you guys winning?

JERRY

Hey Vic help us out man I need an air strike to kill this kamikaze guy!

VIC

Okay dude. Don't get your panties in a twist. I'll see what I can do. In the meantime... don't die okay dude.

JERRY

Yeah, no shit jerk.

VIC

Yo F.Y.I Dude you never hung up just so ya know.

JERRY

Whatever. (Click)

JERRY

Yeah I think that we're on our own.

GEORGE

Alright let's try some grenades.

Elaine hits Jerry in the back of the head and shoots George in the foot. She then jumps off the base and yells...

ELAINE

Abbal! Run!

ABBAL

No I won't!

George shoots and hits him.

ABBAL

Okay! Lets go!

Jerry

VIC

Yo dude. That air strike you wanted? Coming right up courtesy Of Me solo Vicy.

A banshee comes in and starts attacking.

ELAINE

Take cover!

ABBAL

I gotcha! (Starts jumping around) Here I am! Right over here! Me, the Blue one! And this is my sister! The Green one!

ELAINE

Shut up!!

ABBAL

Oh sorry!

Bullor runs up and jumps off the ledge with a rocket launcher in his hand, shooting the banshee. Manny then takes a shotgun and blasts the driver of it in the head. The General Jumps in a warthog and starts driving to get Abbal and Elaine. Elaine Hops in the gunner seat and Abbal gets in the Passenger seat. Bullor and Manny cover them, while Elaine pins down the reds.

GEORGE

Wow sir. Next time you pick a soldier with a name somehow related to our name DON'T!

General

Oh my God! I just don't know how this happened!

JERRY

Wow. Doesn't that sound so familiar. I think I,ve heard that a dozen times in the past week!

GENERAL

(Stuttering) Thththat iiis insubordination ssssoldier.

JERRY

Shove it up your ass sir.

Back at blue base

ELAINE

I don't know who you guys are. But thanks for saving me and my brother.

BULLOR

Yeah you're welcome. Bitch.

ABBAL

C'mon guys. Don't be so cruel. She's my sister!

GENERAL

Abbal. Just, just like go wait in the corner. mm k?

ELAINE

I have to go back.

MANNY

What! You just got here! Stay a while please!

ELAINE

Those were the orders from command. And I've never questioned orders from command. Just tell Abbal that I,ve been discharged or something like that.

MANNY

No! Don't go. If you go we might end up fighting and I couldn't take that not ever, not now! Not after we've known each other for so long.

ELAINE

2 minutes?

MANNY

It's been longer for me...

ELAINE

Aw aren't you sweet.

MANNY

Fuck the parka. I'm just happy about this armor.

BULLOR

Yeah. That it cover your blushing. Haha Haha.

MANNY

Shove it.

ELAINE

Well.. Later Assholes!

She jumps off the building and runs towards the red base.

JERRY

You little bitch! First you hit me in the back of the head, then you shoot George in the foot. You then proceed to eliminate our air strike... Glad to have you back soldier! Wow you're strong!

Elaine moves right up into Jerry's face.

ELAINE

Just be glad that you missed.

JERRY

Um... Yeah.

GEORGE

Jerry, I'm scared!

ELAINE

Oh, stop whining you pussys.

Fade to black.

GENERAL

Well! Another victory for the red squad!

GEORGE

Sir?

GENERAL

Yyyes?

GEORGE

Sigh... Nothing. Why did we get such an incompetent dumbass for a General?

Jerry

Umm... Because you're gay?

George

Go to hell Jerry.

Jerry

I love you too man!

George

Are you that retarded?

Jerry

... Possibly.

GEORGE

... Sigh.


End file.
